catch all

SUPPOSEDLY if you've seen over 85 films, you have no life. Mark the ones you've seen. There are 239 films on this list. Copy this list, paste it as an entry. Then, put x's next to the films you've seen, add them up, see what you get.

Well, I've seen 96 of these movies.

Argh!     Jealousy!     Senseless, unfounded, ridiculous emotions--I HATE this!

Current Mood: pissed off
Current Music: ABBA

lavender is supposedly soothing, right?  maybe by the time i'm finished this, i'll feel better...

today my boyfriend had a really bad day.  i had no idea until i finished school and saw the three text messages he'd sent me during my last two classes of the day.  he was actually angry at me because i told him i wasn't going to talk to him until the club i advise had finished up this afternoon.  we actually had a fight, after i told him at 11AM that i was not going to call until around 4, that i didn't call until around 4. wtf?!? how was i supposed to know he was down today?  he didn't tell me before i went into my 1PM class.  i can't check messages while teaching! grr... 

and then i feel badly.  i want to be there for him.  i try to understand where he's coming from.  part of me does because we have similar personalities and get upset about similar things and i've had the same type of problems at my old jobs that he has in his current position, but i don't have bipolar disorder, and i don't understand what he means when he says he's scared and i ask "what of?" and he responds, "everything." 

he was so upset, seemed to feel so abandoned, talked about how he had needed me urgently today.  how did i respond?  rush home, pack in a hurry, and head out.  my plan was to get what school work i needed done while eating dinner in a restaurant during rush hour and then drive the forty-five minutes down to his house to give him a hug and be there for him.  it's what he was indirectly screaming he needed. 

apparently not.

i called to let him know i was coming rather than surprise him, as i usually would, because i thought the idea of my being down there after he was out of work would cheer him up, that he'd have something to look forward to, that it could somehow help make up for my lack of texts and phone calls throughout the day on which he had so much needed them.

"please don't come."

but i'm already packed, as in an entire suitcase, since i am supposed to be spending the next three nights down there anyway.  i've already destroyed my room in the process of packing.  i'll have to undo everything just to get out my outfit for work tomorrow and then repack everything.  i'm already on the road.  i've made up my mind.  this is unacceptable.  this is frustrating.  this is rejection.  this is not how this is supposed to go!!!

i rush to his aid.  he doesn't want my help.  he wants sleep, not me.  it's the disorder, not me.  yet i'm still hurt and frustrated.

Current Mood: frustrated
Current Music: Portishead

Even as I begin this, I know that there is a good chance this will be my only entry.  I don't even have time to write this entry, let alone future entries, and I've never been good at keeping a journal in the past; I only wrote when something truly wonderful or awful had happened, and not always then...

I'm having one of those weeks when I really question my career choice.  I feel--I KNOW--I have not been performing to a standard that pleases my supervisors, my students, or myself.  I'm letting everyone down, even though I'm driving myself into the ground with a workload I gave myself in order to surpass the expected standard.  It's a ridiculous cycle, and the result is that I feel absolutely unorganized, unsuccessful, and incompetent. I know I'm not always those things, but that's how I feel right now.  I can be extremely organized.  I am competent. And how does one judge success, anyway?  My feelings about my own success change with the hour, so that feeling isn't as disconcerting as the others. 

I know I'm not getting into details.  I can't. Once I begin, the anal freak in me won't allow me to leave any out or stop until I'm finished explaining completely.  I have too much to do, too much stress to deal with. I can't add more to it by sitting here typing a journal entry for an hour.  I thought this would make me feel better, but I don't think it stands much of a chance of doing that now that I've reminded myself of the workload that's waiting for me on this gorgeous Saturday afternoon.  I should be outside, enjoying my day off.  I always do this to myself.  I know someday I won't be capable of going outside and enjoying the beautiful weather and nature and I'm terrified that I'll know then that I made a huge mistake with my life by weighing myself down with responsibilities no one gave me but myself. I don't want my lifetime to slip away.  After this week ends, I have to make some MAJOR adjustments to free up my time, get outside more, get back to my daily gym routine, and spend time with friends and family.

The other thing that is bothering me today is my boyfriend's disorder.  Some days I have the energy to sheild myself from its blows; other days I'm defenseless.  After the week I've had, my armor is as protective as a feather. I have nothing left to fend off the hits that he seems unable to control, and it's so hard to not have anyone to really talk to about it.  Talking to anyone about it would be even more upsetting to me, especially since I would know that they couldn't truly understand, and would paint him in a light that I don't wish others to see him in. I don't want my friends and family to focus on his bipolar disorder, to put a filter over his personality; I want them to know him as I know him.  None of them will research his disorder and attempt to understand it the way I am trying to and learning to, so they will misunderstand it and form inaccurate opinions about him and us as a couple.  I don't know why I'm trying to fight that so much.  I know I should just let them think what they think, but I want them to love him and get to know him and not be judgemental!  It's hard to expect that if I unload all of my passing feelings about the situations the disorder sometimes lands us in.  This morning had a rough patch that I want to talk about, but not to them, so here it is:

Two of my favorite movies capture essentially the same trend in human relationships--the couple, sitting at a restaurant table, with nothing to say to one another.  It is the saddest, most frightening image to me.  I never want to be half of that couple.  I dread it.  Today, my boyfriend's disorder left us sitting in silence in a diner.  Normally, when upset, I cannot eat.  In this case, I couldn't eat fast enough.  I needed to get out of that situation as quickly as possible. It was breaking my heart because we are NOT that couple.  Exactly one week ago, we sat in the same diner, laughing and joking so long we had to take a later train.  I know we are NOT that couple, but it scared me just the same.  I know he has his good days and his bad days and he has had more than his fair share of stress this week as well, which is not helping his moods, but it is still hard to handle.

I love him so much and I see us being together for the rest of our lives.  I'm just scared and having a stressed week.

Thanks for the outlet.

Current Mood: stressed